anschel

Who's zoomin who?

2010-08-13T20:39:00.007-04:00

For some time now, a certain member of the entertainment industry has been insinuating she bears a resemblance to Mimi. We must admit we're flattered, since this particular individual is regarded as an icon, and cuts quite the dashing figure. In fact, she has a reputation for being an original too! We also think she has rather a nice voice.

Let's face it, everyone wants to have the flash ... the style ... the smooth fur ... the unmistakeable Tortitude that is Mimi.

To be spoiled, indulged, in every whim ... fussed over ... coddled ... showered with tuna and whitefish. Oh, the extravagance of it. A life only some of us can ever aspire to.

And to be sure, there is an unmistakeable likeness. Especially after one too many rolls in the catnip.

But now, another member of this same industry is brazenly, publicly, claiming to have an uncanny likeness ... nay, to be the heir apparent ... to the timeless, inimitable look, elan and talent that is Mimi. This ... creature ... has gone so far as to have bribed the editorial staff -- yes, and the advertisers too, for we know how cheaply their souls can be bought -- of a fashion magazine named, let's say, oh, Bizarre. And then, with the help of various costly wardrobe, makeup and lighting professionals, taken some of Mimi's classic photos and yes, we can say, MIMIcked them.

http://www.harpersbazaar.com/fashion/fashion-articles/jennifer-aniston-barbra-streisand-pictures-0910

Oh, foolish, misguided, delusional clutcher of feeble hope. May we recommend a script of strong antipsychotic and perhaps REALITY?

We know there is only one Mimi. Others may claw at her reputation and vie for her appeal but they are doomed to ... cry themselves a river.

Can kosher cats get the swine flu?

2009-11-15T19:28:00.004-05:00

Being a kosher cat, Farfel hasn’t been too worried about the swine flu. If you don’t eat swine, what’s the big whoop? Plus he’s well under 65, not pregnant, with no underlying health conditions (the delicate Hebrew kishkes don’t count here).

Then Farfel made the mistake of watching Larry King interview some epidemiologist who warned the apocalypse was coming unless you got your swine flu shot. Farfel changed the channel but got a live feed about swine flu deaths in the eastern highlands of western New Guinea. Then he picked up the paper and read that you had to be a high-paid athlete or on the board of a big hospital to get a swine flu shot.

Farfel started sweating. Dying from the swine flu was bad – but getting a needle?! You have to know that as a professional cat, Farfel despises any kind of needle. Even though he suspected his friendly neighbourhood veterinarian doesn’t have access to the swine flu, let alone the adjuvant. What to do, what to do?

And though he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, it didn’t take Farfel long to figure out how to avoid the whole damn thing. He’s turned off the tv, the radio, isn’t reading the newspaper and is staying away from the water cooler at the office.

Ignorance is bliss. And healthy.

Make history = get a Nobel?

2009-10-13T21:56:00.001-04:00

My cousin, Commander, pictured here, would like to know why he was shut out for a Nobel. After all, as the first Foreign Burmese to win Best Cat in Canada 2007-2008, he made history!!

A Supreme Grand Master Champion no less, he brokered peace with the Abyssinian and Japanese Bob-tail that rode up to the top with him.

"After all," Commander was said to have offered magnanimously, "We short-hair breeds have to stick together."

And yet, no Nobel peace prize? Just because he's a cat? Oh, come on.

It's not easy to win best Cat in Canada. Usually it's some fluffy long-hair type, like those lackadaisical Persians or sluggish Maine Coons ... they just flop around and get all kinds of ribbons.

Not cousin Commander... he had to noogie those judges but good ... get the head tilt just right (see photo above) ... strike pose after pose while looking like he didn't give a damn ... and of course, sire a few kittens in what little spare time he had. Now, that may all sound like fun and games, but it's serious work.

And no Nobel? That's just plain wrong. Unless there's a big trophy and a big cheque heading his way, Commander may. just. retire.

p.s. see http://www.osha.igs.net/~kiddbatt/DOCS/pages/catstosell.htm

I'll have mine RAW

2009-05-26T17:23:00.006-04:00

Hands up everyone who thinks the GG slurping down raw meat had something to do with hunting seals.
That’s what I thought. Man, are you blind?!
Canadians have had image issues for way too long. We’re polite. We’re peacekeepers. Our cops ride horses. Our civil "war" was fought by a bunch of policy wonks over tea. We invented Velcro.
We’re a nation of boring wimps.
No wonder terrorists, draft dodgers and Nazi war criminals hide out here.
No, GG was makin’ a point. The Queen’s own rep is telling the world, she’s in touch with her inner predator. Don’t be messing with us. Not only will we mess right back, we’ll rip your heart out and eat it. RAW.
Way to go, GG.

Inappropriate litter box elimination: the truth

2009-05-15T09:50:00.004-04:00

Why you think I peed on the bed

1. My litter box needs changing
2. Your drunk boyfriend peed in my litter box
3. Cheap 7-11 brand cat food
4. You came home late and I missed you (oh please)
5. Mysterious and expensive urinary tract infection
6. I was dreaming of a waterfall
7. You hate your boss and I sympathize (oh please)
8. Not enough cat toys
9. Too many cat toys
10. You need to change your deodorant

Why I really peed on the bed

1. My litter box needs changing
2. Because … I can.

Cheap photo ops or a sign of the times?

2009-05-05T19:05:00.010-04:00

You’ve all seen this photo, featured in the Toronto Star on April 29th. We like the horrified expression on Iggy’s face. He knows he is in the presence of a superior being.

But have you seen this next photo?

Yessir, that would be Stephen Harper, about to snack on a kitten. This would be from his sweater period.

Stevie would have us believe he’s a regular guy fostering unwanted kitties, but this pic makes us wonder what’s really going on. That kitten would rather be anywhere but with Stevie.

In the meantime, Iggy’s picked up a platinum Foreign Burmese boy named Eric, to keep Mimi company at Stornoway.

It may be too early to call, but we predict the next vote could well be in the paws of felis domesticus. My, how the fur will fly.

Who you calling a random thought?

2009-04-08T15:52:00.007-04:00

So we should all be so freaking flattered that the European Burmese (or Foreign Burmese, as the canucks have it) is this month's feature breed in Cat Fancy magazine.

Which we know ... isn't exactly the New York Times. BUT. To hear Cat Fancy tell it, the European Burmese was a random thought that occurred to a British breeder after WWII.

"At that point, some of the breeders said, 'OK, we're going to bring in Burmese.'"*

HEY! CHECK YOUR FACTS!!

The European Burmese is in fact, the original Burmese. That's why, in most of the world -- like those parts of the world outside The Thirteen Colonies -- there's an "American" Burmese. And the European Burmese is just called a Burmese.

The American Burmese even LOOKS different. Flat face, buggy eyes, cobby body.

But while the Americans were developing their version, the Brits weren't just, oh, inventing the mini skirt, medicare and the Beatles. No, the Brits were outcrossing THEIR Burmese and adding a red gene to get six more colours NOT available in the U.S. Red (like yours truly), cream, blue and various tortie. While maintaining a wedge shaped head and muscular frame.

Yeah, that's what we call ... a Burmese. Period.

*Cat Fancy magazine, May 2009

There's a new Liberal in town

2009-03-30T16:13:00.002-04:00

Those poor lost Liberal souls can rejoice – a strong leader is finally ensconced at Stornoway.

Her name is Mimi, and she is a four-month old sable Foreign Burmese kitten.

That she is from a registered and reputable B.C. breeder is less important than the fact that she is of good bloodlines. In fact, we may well be related.

Iggy no doubt thinks he has gotten himself a nice pet. In fact, he has gotten himself one hardnosed boss.

And word has it, Iggy’s got dibs on another Foreign Burmese to keep Mimi company. Can you imagine?! Double trouble at Stornoway.

But won’t it be nice to have someone with a real pedigree in charge …

Happy Birthday Anschel!!!!

2009-03-08T19:19:00.003-04:00

I'M FIVE! (as per "I'm Five" from "My Name is Barbra")

I'm five
I'm five
I'm a big cat now I'm five
I can wash my toes
I don't need Farfel's help any more
And when I jump from the scratching post
All four feet hit the floor

See dat?

I'm five
I'm five
I'm a big cat now I'm five
Mimi doesn't swat me just for being a silly cat
She knows darn well I'd run away
Coz I'm too old fer that!

The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming!

2009-02-27T23:14:00.005-05:00

And they’re not after Arctic resources. Or Obama.

Nope, those Russian Tupelov TU-95s sniffing around our Arctic airspace were looking to airlift some kitties back to the motherland.

Look at the former USSR. It’s a shadow of its former Bolshevik self. After Communism collapsed, the Russkies embraced capitalism with a vengeance. Life was good. The ruble was strong. The vodka was strong.

But now their economy has tanked and they’ve got major anxiety…insomnia, acid reflux, high blood pressure, migraines, chronic tinnitus, all those stress disorders already highly evolved in the West.

And what’s the most efficient anti-stressor on the market? A warm little cat. No tablet or shrink can chase the blues away like a loving, fuzzy feline. What mood elevator can rival the purr power of a pussy cat?!

We’ve got kitties a-plenty, and those sneaky Soviets know it. Never mind the coyote in the Beaches, the real threat to our feline population …. is a little further east….

Stimulate this

2009-02-18T21:15:00.002-05:00

Now that the politico-socio-economorons have landed in a big pile of kitty litter, they're frantically shoveling bailouts and recovery packages.

Leave it to a cat to know what the world really needs.

My stimulus package would include:

for starters, every mousie who says "I need cheese or I go bankrupt"-- gets told to start spinning their exercise wheel instead of threats
catnip for the newspaper devoting least amount of column inches to doom and gloom
24-7 news channel devoted entirely to photos of fluffy kittens
cat toys for everyone who knows "r-e-c-e-s-s-i-o-n" is actually spelled "b-i-g s-a-l-e-s"

Buy American? Buy Canadian?
Nagh.
Buy a cat. Then, curl up with him (or her) and take a nap.

Poor little wash-rag

2009-01-21T22:11:00.004-05:00

Cultivate your garden, said Goethe and Voltaire,
Every other task is wasted and dead-born;

Narrow all your efforts to a given sphere,
Seek your Heaven daily in a bit of ground.

So my cat behaves. Like a veteran,
He brushes well his coat before he sits to dine;

All his work is centred in his own domain,
Just to keep his spotless fur soft, and clean, and fine.

His tongue is sponge, and brush, and towel, and curry-comb,
Well he knows what work it can be made to do,
Poor little wash-rag, smaller than my thumb.

His nose touches his back, touches his hind paws too,
Every patch of fur is raked, and scraped, and smoothed;
What more has Goethe done, what more could Voltaire do?

Hippolyte Taine

Company's comin'!

2009-01-10T18:00:00.006-05:00

I just love having company! Like, is there anything more fun than a new playmate?

This is even more enjoyable when they bring new toys along, and sometimes they'll even bring tasty treats. There will be oodles of playtime, laptime, and being petted and scratched all over. I know I can count on being spoiled beyond belief!

What's more, visitors have all these great smells. And if I'm lucky, they'll be wearing something black so I can leave plenty of cathair.

I'm telling you, it's a cat's life.

Make play, not war

2008-12-29T19:59:00.003-05:00

Let's get one thing straight -- when Mimi swats me on the head, I swat her right back. And when she whacks Farfel, he whacks her right back. Just because she's a girl, she doesn't get special treatment. She can dish it out, and she can take it.

That's the way it is with cats. A smack in the face equals a smack in the face back.

But we only let the fur fly for so long. It's infinitely more enjoyable to play. Or sleep, or eat, or clean behind our ears. Farfel especially likes to clean Mimi's ears, even if she's been beating up on him.

Because as Abraham Lincoln observed, "no matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."

Big 3

2008-12-13T18:40:00.004-05:00

I prefer my version of the Big Three....

United we sleep

2008-12-09T16:04:00.005-05:00

What's all this fuss about unity? This has never been an issue with my colleagues. Not only do we stand united on most fronts -- the bed, the couch, the linen cupboard -- we sleep united as well.

In fact, we agree on the most important subjects -- canned cat food twice a day, cat candy in the morning, catnip at night, and everyone gets a turn on the heating vent.

And there's enough room in the cat bed for all of us.

Coronations? Those are for cat shows. It's more fun to party together, eat together, and sleep together.

And warmer, too...

Support DemoCat Anschel

2008-12-03T19:52:00.001-05:00

Would Stephen Harper climb a tree for you? I would. Does Stephane Dion wash between his toes? I do, at least once a day.

These are the qualities you should look for in a leader. The willingness to serve in many ways. And keep it clean. I’ve held national office as Best Foreign Burmese in Canada, 2007 to 2008. I know what it’s like to serve (and entertain) the public.

I call myself a DemoCat because power belongs to the people. Not just because people know how to open a can of tuna, but because they’re also good to sleep with.

I mean, can you imagine Jack Layton catching a mousie? You deserve a leader who can keep pests under control.

And that would be me, Anschel. Your local neighbourhood DemoCat.

photo by Brennan O'Connor, Mississauga News

Farfel and his roots

2008-11-26T18:40:00.001-05:00

This good-looking fellow is another member of my posse. His name is Farfel, and he's a cream shaded silver tipped Burmilla. What? You don't know what a Burmilla is? That's a hybrid of Foreign Burmese cat and Chinchilla Persian cat. And in 2002, Farfel was the best Burmilla in Canada.

In this photo, Farfel is getting ready for Passover by making sure he gets every bit of chametz. What? You don't know what chametz is? That's Hebrew for breadcrumb, and during Passover, your house must be absolutely devoid of any bread. Since Farfel is a good Jewish cat, he's even checking his toes for the stuff.

Mind you, Farfel didn't always know he was Jewish. Born in an Irish cattery, it wasn't until Farfel was four years old that he became aware of his Hebrew roots. He discovered how much he loved gefilte fish, chopped liver, and whitefish. And like me, Farfel's not just a professional cat, but an over-achieving professional cat. With a nasty tendency to develop colitis, a sure giveaway of Hebrew kishkes. Neither of us work during Shabbat; we make a point of sleeping through the day.

Who knew? Apparently, it happens in the best of families...

The smartest cat in the world

2008-11-20T19:42:00.003-05:00

Behind every great cat, there is another. In my case, there are a couple.
Meet Mimi, a champagne tortie Foreign Burmese.
She is, without a doubt, the smartest cat in the world. And here's why:

Although she is a former champion showcat, Mimi has never really worked a day in her life, and has no visible means of income. Yet ...

1. She has a fur coat. She is very proud of it, wears it all the time, even sleeps in it.
2. She maintains a special diet, available only at selected retail outlets.
3. Although she has had two litters of kittens, and is 11 years old -- that's the human equivalent of about 70 to 75 years old, she is as svelte and smooth as a little mink.
4. She enjoys the company of two handsome younger males, myself and Farfel. Both of us will defer to her in a heartbeat. She's just too smart!
5. Every Friday, she shares a meal of the finest poached salmon available at St. Lawrence Market with She-Who-Feeds-Me.
6. She never has to vacuum, wash dishes, or clean up Farfel's barfies.
7. She gets to sleep about 20 hours a day.
8. Really, her main responsibility is deigning to have her photograph taken.

Getting in the way

2008-11-17T20:59:00.004-05:00

Somebody once said, that cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience. In other words, cats have a knack for getting in the way.

My own personal favourite is getting in the way of this very computer screen. How delicious to block the view with my own cat body! To plunk all 13-1/2 pounds of me strategically between the monitor and the keyboard. In a sitting position, squinting quizzically. What's not to love?!

Timing, of course, is everything. I personally like to sit in the freshly laundered bedsheets while they're still in the laundry basket. This means I get to enjoy them before anyone else! And of course, makes getting them out of the basket and on to the bed that much more difficult. Sweet!

Then there's that whole newspaper thing. What good is a newspaper if you can't dive into it and make those juicy crunchy and ripping sounds? This works best on those sections of the newspaper that haven't been read yet.

I hope you're taking notes ...

Anschel For PM

2008-10-26T22:40:00.001-04:00

Greetings. I'd like to welcome you to my blog.

Although you could consider me to be a professional cat (#1 Foreign Burmese in Canada 2007-2008), I don't have a publicist. Darn. So, I'm taking paw to computer. She-Who-Feeds-Me will never know!

But let's get serious. I've come to some important decisions in the past couple of weeks. All these elections going on, and let's face it, all the candidates suck. So, I'm going to run for Prime Minister!! I've been watching CNN and I can see it doesn't take much to get nominated for office.

Here's my platform ...

Economic development:
1. Salmon farms … everywhere!
2. New – Ministry of Turkey and Chicken (With Gravy)
3. Mousie-generated energy turbines

International trade:
1. South Pacific tuna fisheries
2. French catnip exchange
3. New Jersey dairy import

Health and wellbeing:
1. Compulsory catnaps and stretching exercises
2. Good grooming begins in kindergarten
3. Affordable and LOVING homes for everyone!