Friday, February 27, 2009

The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming!

And they’re not after Arctic resources. Or Obama.

Nope, those Russian Tupelov TU-95s sniffing around our Arctic airspace were looking to airlift some kitties back to the motherland.

Look at the former USSR. It’s a shadow of its former Bolshevik self. After Communism collapsed, the Russkies embraced capitalism with a vengeance. Life was good. The ruble was strong. The vodka was strong.

But now their economy has tanked and they’ve got major anxiety…insomnia, acid reflux, high blood pressure, migraines, chronic tinnitus, all those stress disorders already highly evolved in the West.

And what’s the most efficient anti-stressor on the market? A warm little cat. No tablet or shrink can chase the blues away like a loving, fuzzy feline. What mood elevator can rival the purr power of a pussy cat?!

We’ve got kitties a-plenty, and those sneaky Soviets know it. Never mind the coyote in the Beaches, the real threat to our feline population …. is a little further east….

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Stimulate this

Now that the politico-socio-economorons have landed in a big pile of kitty litter, they're frantically shoveling bailouts and recovery packages.

Leave it to a cat to know what the world really needs.

My stimulus package would include:
  • for starters, every mousie who says "I need cheese or I go bankrupt"-- gets told to start spinning their exercise wheel instead of threats
  • catnip for the newspaper devoting least amount of column inches to doom and gloom
  • 24-7 news channel devoted entirely to photos of fluffy kittens
  • cat toys for everyone who knows "r-e-c-e-s-s-i-o-n" is actually spelled "b-i-g s-a-l-e-s"
Buy American? Buy Canadian?
Buy a cat. Then, curl up with him (or her) and take a nap.